Drawing lines: Setting and Maintaining Boundaries
Originally, I planned to write about balancing the act of accommodating others while maintaining personal boundaries. But honestly, I think “balance” isn’t the right approach here. Instead, I’ll dive into how I personally set and maintain boundaries—particularly with friends and family.
Let’s be honest: boundaries aren’t static. They shift from day to day. What might slide on a chilled Friday night could have me snapping on a chaotic Monday morning. And let’s face it, you can’t have a pre-set boundary for every possible situation life throws at you. Life is unpredictable. One day, it’s a coworker testing your patience. Another day, it’s a random, feisty stranger banging on your friend’s car bonnet because they stopped slightly over the pedestrian crossing line.
So, how do you handle it when boundaries get crossed? What happens when someone steps over the line? Do you let it go or take action?
Let’s dive into the fundamentals:
Boundaries 101
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a limit or rule you set for yourself. When it comes to personal boundaries, we’re talking about things like loyalty in relationships or how you manage money with close friends and family. For me, one big boundary is timekeeping. If we’ve agreed to meet at a certain time, you better be there—or have a good reason for being late. Time is valuable. It takes one minute to be late, so be five minutes early.
How do you communicate boundaries?
Calmly, clearly, and out loud (we’re not mindreaders). If you don’t express your boundaries, you can’t expect anyone to respect them. I used to think there was an unspoken list of things people just knew not to do—but that’s not how it works. If someone crosses a line you’ve never communicated, and you blow up, you’re the one who ends up looking unreasonable. So, make your boundary clear. Communication is everything.
What happens if someone crosses your boundary?
Think of it like a no-fly zone. If someone crosses into restricted airspace, give them a warning—non-verbal (a look), verbal, or both. Calmly restate your boundary: “Hey, I don’t appreciate XYZ.” If they ignore this? That’s when you have a decision to make.
How to “shoot them down.”
Stay calm but firm. When calling someone out, neutrality is your best friend. For example, “I don’t appreciate when you [insert issue].” If they continue to disregard your boundary, disengage. Walk away. Leave the situation. You’re not obligated to stay where your limits aren’t respected.
What happens if you don’t enforce your boundaries?
Ignoring boundary violations only leads to more trouble. Either the other person has no idea they crossed a line and keeps doing it, or they simply don’t respect your limits—or you. Meanwhile, you’ll lose respect for yourself, little by little, every time you let it slide. Resentment builds, and eventually, it explodes. Most of us aren’t zen monks who’ve achieved ego death and can brush it off and move on without consequences.
Not sure how I feel about this blog—it’s mostly me hammering my keyboard to get these thoughts out. But I’d love to know your take. How do you handle it when someone crosses your boundaries?
